I used to fear death. I feared it so much that I could not get along with regular activities because I was just plain scared. But I am over it now. Though I still don't like to talk about death, and I still fear it- it does not ruin my life.

But while I'm on the topic, let me talk about some of those weird fears that I do have.

My biggest one would probably have to be tires. I cannot fill my own car tires with air in fear that they are going to explode. Even when someone else does it for me, I run away and hide behind some big object. Everyone laughs, but the thought of filling tires with air makes me almost want to cry. Bawl like a baby ;).

And then there's vacuum cleaners and lawn mowers. No, I'm not a slacker. I think it's just the sheer noise of both of these things that scare the crap out of me. I could never really use a vacuum, I would get too fightened. I've never operated a lawn mower because I *know* how scared I would be.

Am I a freak? Perhaps. But I like needles ;)

*grin*

Kiss.

I hate renting a house where someone lives in the basement. Especially a couple of dumb-assed, foul tempered, self centered, eminem wanna-be IDIOTS who are *so* outragiously contradicting towards themselves that it's hard not to charge down there, rip off their damned little black touqes they wear and shove it right directly up their puckery little arse holes.

I just got my beautiful car stuck in the snow trying to park alongside their friends car in *my* driveway. They stared at me through their little window the whole time, having a drink and laughing at me as I digged my fucking car out of the snow bank. Its late, I"m cold, I'm very tired and I just want to move into my own place with my boyfriend.

I'd tell you more about them, but instead of fuming, I think I'm going to run a nice hot bath. And then I'll turn off the heat to their suite downstairs. And then I'll turn off their power, and then I'll grin as they knock at my door feverishly because they are as cold as I am now.

First.. bath. Then, sleep.. and then I get to complain to the landlord.

Peace.. or something. Or carnage and DEATH! Sorry. 

Hello, dearest journal. I am sorry I have neglected using you for quite some time. Things have been busy, though not enough that I couldn't have wrote at least one passage.

It was my 20th birthday on the 7th. 20.. thats a long step away from 19. I remember when I was 16, 20 seemed to be so old. Even when I was 19, I still held a certain respect for those who were that one year ahead of me. Now, that's how old I am. And it feels as though nothing in me has changed since I was 16. This is crazy- I am 20. 1/4 of my entire life is over, and the last 3/4ths of it are going to be much more boring than my previous 20 years.

Milan and I are doing very well. I wish that sometimes, he would just ask me to marry him. He knows I want to do that more than anything in the world, and I know that he wants it just as bad. We've only been 'seeing' each other for 6 months, and I know everything sounds so quick. But when you know that something is that right, there is no reason to hold back. But then again, there is no reason to jump into it either. But I watch 'A Wedding Story' when I can, and I cry each and every time. I am such a sap. It will come, eventually. Even though I wish he would ask me to marry him, I know that it's a little too soon. Not for me, but for everyone around me. I want my father to get to know him better, I want him to spend some quality time with him. My mother already loves him, but then again- she's only disliked one of my boyfriends. Milan is special though, and she knows it. My supervisor at work says "I see that sparkle in your eyes every time you mention his name. I see the way you bright up when I ask you about him. You two are very special- I wish I have fallen in love as deeply as you have".

Work has been good, though more than once now I have thrown up my hands and almost quit. It seems that all of the higher-ups that I work for, only care about the money aspect of everything. They won't even send animals to the vet if they are sick, they just make me isolate them for 2 weeks and see how they do. Its crazy.

I got my boyfriend a back scratcher for Valentines day, the guy is always crying at me to scratch his back. I also got him a tub of Squish. We both love Squish. They are these little red fish thingys that are actually quite tastey. Addictive- horribly so.

What else is new.. him..

Well- I am trying to get a hold of a whole pile of people I knew 6 years ago on IRC. Yah.. fat chance Carly. I realize now how much I miss them, and I wish that I could have kept in contact with every one of them.

Oh, and my ex boyfriend, Noel. He is such an asshole to me. It is such a wonder how someone, who could have shown me so much love, could show me so much hate. He is such a *wimp*, and I'm so tired of it. It's almost been 2 years, and he still hates me for leaving him. He hurt me so much, and I had to do it. In the end, I had stopped loving him because he wasn't the man that I had thought I had fallen in love with. He says so many mean things to me, and all I want to do is go into my old chatroom (I was introduced to the place about 2 years ago) on IRC and talk to my friends. He has turned my friends against me, and the only one that understands my side of the whole thing is Seth. God bless him- He is such a good friend. Thank you, Seth.

It just goes to show, though, that you did a good thing by dumping the person when you see such an evil shadow of a person after you leave them. I have no regrets. The only regret that I have ever, in life, is losing contact with my friends. I miss everyone from highschool. I don't regret anything relationship wise though- not anymore. I don't regret hurting those that I have hurt. I know it sounds selfish, but if I didn't go through what I did when I was growing up- I wouldn't be where I am right now.

And right here is where I want to be. I could die now, and still be happy with knowing what I know, and that is that I could be loved as deeply as I am being loved now. Of course, I don't want to die- it's just.. a figure of speech.

I shall write in you more, precious journal. I promise.

Kiss.

Drivers in Edmonton were rated the worst in all of Canada. I completely agree.

I go the speed limit on the freeway, and it seems I am at a crawl. I get very bad looks- so I simply don't go the speed limit anymore, so maybe I'm just as bad as some of those people.

But give me a break, really. I was stopped at a red light and so was a car next to me, on my right. Light turns green and he immediately starts worming into my lane. I thought that maybe he was spacing out for a moment and couldn't see the lines (it happens to the best of us sometimes) but sure enough, he was turning right into my lane, and right into me. Lucky I had watched the car as soon as it started to move and after a quick lurch, I was out of harms way. I took it to him with the horn though, and he hadn't seemed phased. He had managed to make it completely into my lane by the time we had driven across the intersection- which is what... 50 feet?

And then there are old people who drive. I believe that all people need to have their test done over again once they get to the age of 55 (if they don't already. I certainly hope they do). I'm tired of almost being run down by some squinty-eyed geezer who is about pressed onto the front windshield to even see.

Then there is those damn kids playing in mommy's car, racing someone at every green light. Although as much as I'm against the whole street racing thing, I would be lying if I said I didn't try it a few times when I first got my car last year.

But anyways...

Yes.. Edmonton. The City where even Ambulances tailgate.   

What an interesting day, to say the very least.

Let me start from the beginning. I sold an African Grey Parrot (Very intelligent birds, expensive too 1,799.99) to a man over the phone, which was perfectly fine as far as head office is concerned. I was a little weary of selling someone a bird that we raised at the store to someone over the phone, but what could I do? The man had a sad enough story- his girlfriend's African Grey had deid a few days past and he wanted to buy her a new one. Sweet, very sweet. I was compelled by the story, as most soft hearts would be, and was immediately captivated by the young man who had seemed quite sincere in everything he had to say about it. So I sold him the bird, and the man said that his employee was going to pick it up on the weekend of that day. I didn't work on that day, but my boss did- and she hooked his 'friend' up with everything the bird would need, and even got him to sign a slip saying that he had picked up the bird.

4 or so months later, we find out that the bird has sold with a stolen credit card. I immediately feel horrid for the bird, wondering what those people were thinking- and what had been done with the parrot. Soon enough, though, I had forgotten about it, until now.. about 2 months after that.

The bird's name is Angel. She is the most curious looking bird, as where other African Greys normally all have dark grey toes, she had two white ones. And that's the only way we could identify her when she came in to us today. All of her beautiful plumage was gone, she plucked it all out due to stress, and she was the most shy and reclusive bird. The police had caught the man here in Edmonton, and the parrot is back in our arms. It's a pity, though... that these people were not willing to care for their animal. We are not sure what to do now, because if one of us store peoples takes the bird, we will have to take care of it for more than 2 months so it can get all of it's feathers back and learn to trust people. But in that time, I'm betting that the bird is going to come strongly bonded with whoever takes care of it, and when time comes for it to be returned to the store to sell, that bird is going to be much worse than when it came in because it's human is gone =O(

I wish people would think more about their actions and other living things before they get into it. I hope the man knows what kind of fear he put into that poor bird.